Every. Blessed. Morning.
It goes pretty much exactly like this:
OBSERVANT ANNIE: Wow, those gray hairs are really starting to stand out. I wonder if we should dye them.
VAIN ANNIE: Of course we should dye them! Think of how much younger we’d look. What color should we go with? Maybe a deep auburn, or a nice warm chestnut?
SELF-ASSURED ANNIE: We don’t need to dye our hair. It makes us look distinguished. Plus, Havarti said he thinks our gray hair is sexy.
VAIN ANNIE: He has to say that. He’s our husband.
SELF-ASSURED ANNIE: Whatever. I’ve seen some really attractive women with salt-and-pepper hair.
VAIN ANNIE: [Eye roll]
PRACTICAL ANNIE: Dying our hair is a big commitment, you know.
LAZY ANNIE: Yeah, it means we’d actually have to GO to the STORE. Then we’d have to make a CHOICE. Then we’d have to actually DYE our HAIR. Ugh.
IMPRACTICAL ANNIE: We could just go to a salon and have it done. We know lots of women who do that.
TIGHTWAD ANNIE: Are you kidding?? Do you know how much that costs?!
LAZY ANNIE: Yeah. Plus, that would mean we’d have to MAKE a PHONE CALL.
PHONE-PHOBIC ANNIE: No!! No!! You can’t make us do it!!
LAZY ANNIE: And then we’d have to actually GO to the SALON. Ugh.
TIGHTWAD ANNIE: Not to mention we’d have to keep it up, which would cost even MORE money. No way.
ORGANIC ANNIE: Don’t you know what they put in hair dye? We don’t want to expose ourselves to those toxic chemicals!
PRACTICAL ANNIE: Oh, chill out. We can use a natural dye. Yes, if we’re going to dye our hair, we have to do it ourself. But then we also have to maintain it, which we all know Lazy Annie is not going to let us do.
LAZY ANNIE: That’s true.
SPIRITUAL ANNIE: None of this matters, you know. Our soul is not affected one iota by whether or not our hair is gray. Let it go.
HUMANITARIAN ANNIE: Spiritual Annie is right. And why are we seriously thinking about spending time and money to dye our hair when there are starving children in the world?
MOM-OF-TWO-GIRLS ANNIE: And what does it say to our daughters to dye our hair? Aren’t we teaching them to be unhappy with the way they look?
DEVIL’S ADVOCATE ANNIE: Yeah, but we wear makeup. Doesn’t that do the same thing? Everybody has grooming routines. Is dying our hair that different?
HUMANITARIAN ANNIE: But the starving children!
LAZY ANNIE: And the GOING TO THE STORE thing!
VAIN ANNIE: But it’s GRAY, people! It makes us look OLD!
INTELLECTUAL ANNIE: Gray hair is considered a sign of honor in some cultures.
VAIN ANNIE: Are you sure about that?
PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL ANNIE: Uh, I think we read it somewhere. It seems true, at any rate.
PRACTICAL ANNIE: This is such a waste of time. We all know we’re not going to dye our hair. Not today, anyway. Lazy Annie, Spiritual Annie, Humanitarian Annie, and I hold most of the cards here. Give it up.
VAIN ANNIE: Hmph! No fair. I always get outvoted.
OBSERVANT ANNIE: Sheesh. Calm down, everyone. I was just pointing it out. No need to get our panties in a wad.
WRYLY SELF-AWARE ANNIE: And . . . SCENE! That’s a wrap. Way to stick to the script, ladies. See you all here again tomorrow morning.
Sometime I’ll share the existential conversation my inner Annies often have about whether or not it’s normal to have existential conversations with my inner Annies.
It’s really fun being in my head sometimes. Gray hair and all.