I’ve asked myself countless times over my 15 years of parenting, “When the bleep is this going to get easier?” Three kids, each four years apart, has meant a near-constant stream of neediness of some sort or another since the birth of my first child. Of course, that stream is flanked with the flowers of joy and wonderment that go along with those early years, so it hasn’t all been bad. In fact, in many ways, the baby/toddler/preschool years have been my favorites.
But holy moly, those years are tough. The sleep deprivation to start off with, then the crying and carseats and diapers and nap schedules and clinginess and messes and “I no wannas” and getting-into-things, and it just feels like it’s never going to end.
Then one by one, each of those things drops off of your daily (or hourly) to do list. Kids start sleeping better, eventually. They potty train, eventually. They stop napping. They get themselves dressed. They move into booster seats.
It takes forever, but before you know it (oh, that tricky time business) your kids are remarkably self-sufficient. And when that happens with your last kid, you realize that parenting actually DOES get easier. It’s still hard in emotional ways, but logistically, there is a definitive shift at some point.
For me, that shift occurred when our youngest child turned six. That was the magical age when parenting got significantly easier, at least in the practical sense. I no longer had to get anyone snacks unless I wanted to. I no longer had to keep a close eye on any of them to make sure they weren’t going to run out into the street. I no longer had to buckle anyone in the car. I no longer had to wipe anyone’s poopy butt.
Of course, some of those things happened earlier, and there was a gradual transition through ages four and five. But there was something about six that signaled a whole new era for us. For me, really. My husband is phenomenal, but a lot of the work in those early years were mom-heavy. And the freedom from those things that I loved—nursing, singing lullabies, carrying my babies, teaching my toddlers and preschoolers—feels lighter than I ever anticipated. I thought I would miss those adorable ages, but I don’t really. I lived that era, and lived it fully. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I’m ready for this new stage.
They say that parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets hard in different ways, and I think that’s true. But for me, getting a respite from the relentless needs of the pre-school-age crowd really does feel like having a weight lifted. So if you’re deep in the trenches of the early years, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Age six, I’m telling you. It’s magical.
If you enjoyed this post, please pass it along. You can follow Motherhood and More on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram.
Comments 67
Thank you for this
Thank you, this article really spoke to me. I have a just turned 2 toddler and almost 100% of his care has been on me up to this point. It really upsets me when people try to one-up or dismiss parents of young children by saying teens or adult children are just as hard, or every age is the same difficulty in different ways. And I call B.S. on that. Honestly I thought the baby years were the hardest due to sleep deprivation and constant worry about illness. Maybe there are more emotional and psychological worries when they’re older but at least I’ll have enough sleep and I won’t be in survival mode to be able to deal with them. The physical part of parenting young children is 100% the hardest in my opinion.
The before kindergarten definitely seems like something we should do as a group. It is not a one person job. It was a one person job for me most of the time – and it was excruciatingly difficult, even though I loved their fat little cheeks and sweet baby hugs. My kids are older now and I all I think is “better you than me” when I see a mom in the thick of it. I love you for it and I know I did it. I don’t ever want to do that again. Worth it but not repeatable after two times. If I have to pretend that I want to talk about bubbles to another grown adult to show that I care about my baby as I pick him up from daycare after a hella bad day at work … nope. There should be a timeout room for parents before we pick the kids up. With coffee. And encouraging words. Praise for being a parent maybe? Would a 5 minute back massage be overdoing it? I would pay extra for this at a daycare…
Trust me mommas it gets easier. I have a 6 year old and in almost 1 year old and I’m in the thick of it agian. But I’ll be back to update you all….
Hope it worked out!
WOw, your wor chaged my kife. thabk you!
This is great to read. Everyone says parenting doesn’t get easier, just difficult in different ways, but, I cannot imagine a harder age than a wild, temperamental toddler who can’t be reasoned with!
I have a 6 year old, a 3 year old and 6 month old and the 6 year old is undeniably easier and less stressful.
The cuteness does lessen a little with age though, so soak it all in ladies!
Thank you!! This was so real & refreshing & comforting to read. I am in the thick of it and loving it/soaking it alll in but also wondering when it feels easier & if I’m going to be sad when it’s over
Thank you for this post. I literally am crying appreciating the fact you stated that it is so hard. I just wanted someone to acknowledge that it is. Thank you! And thank you for giving me hope and something to look forward to. Agree to the all comments to what we are told “treasure all these days, you will miss them” – I get it. I know I reminisced on the special moments that I have had with my kiddo at every age so far, but I think there is a difference between reminiscing (feeling happy thinking about these precious moments) and missing (wanting to live that again). I think people may miss it only to the point that they can hold someone else’s baby feeling so happy for a while, but come on let’s be honest, keeping the baby/toddlers all day or overnight is not something one misses. That would explain why there’s no free baby sitters typically speaking LOL.
Thank you for this. I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and 11 month old. My husband has been working from 7am-11pm the past two days and I feel on the verge of a mental breakdown. This crazy work conference is almost over and this was the encouragement I needed to get through the last few days
Thanks for the reminder. I have an eight year old, a 5 year old and a 3 months old. At certain times at night I wonder how stupid I was to get myself back into the hassle, but then I remind myself of the “golden time” when my second born was four and my eldest was 7 I enjoyed that year so much. Haha. Thanks for sharing
Thank you
Oh, Dear!! The first months were SO hard. I actually remember crying when she turned 1. People thought I was crazy, but I was just proud and relieved that the year was over. Covid times, failing at breastfeeding, baby won’t eat/sleep, I didn’t have the time to feed myself, triple feeding with formula, breast and pumps…
I think at some point I had depression because I used to look at myself in the mirror and think “What we have done??” and later just cry because I was feeling so guilty about that thought.
It came to a point when I realised I couldn’t do it alone (oh what a failure, I’m a high achiever and I was at the highest point of my career…) so there I was, I travelled the world, studied a Master’s degree, learned several languages, faced scary things alone and so on…
But I was unable to take care of a little baby. My husband was studying and working so it was all on me. Or at least that’s how it felt.
Then my parents came to visit. I could breathe. Then my parents left…The next morning I decided to sell everything, I quit my job and my husband did the same and followed us.
We came back to our home country, and it all happened in 3 months, after being overseas for 12 years (a 24 hrs flight)
Now we are surrounded by family members and we have support.
I enjoy my daughter and every day is a blessing. She is now 18m old and yes, it does get easier. BUT having support probably literally saved my life. I feel like I saved my daughter too somehow because she is better cared now and her mum is finally ALIVE.
Then I understood. We aren’t failing. We aren’t supposed to do this alone. It does take a village. Society has pushed us (mums) to the limit. Most of the comments here are from women. We are all struggling, and it’s mainly due to the lack of support of any kind -governmental, partners, jobs, salaries, families…
Hang in there. It does get easier. If you can say f:{$”# all and find any kind of support, do it. It’s temporary and worth it…and It will pass.
My daughter is the joy of my life and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Everything I do is for her and she is my motivation and daily inspiration. I learn with her and from her. And her life is precious and worth to be cherished and shared with those who love her as much as I do.
This post gave me hope when it feels like there’s none left. I have a 2year old and I’m extremely sick and emotional carrying my 2nd one. I’m so scared to have this kid, not only because of my shitty relationship with the dad, but because I don’t know if I can do this any longer. I’m so exhausted and depressed.
Same boat put in your head you have a 3 year mandatory sentence and get it done.
Hope it worked out!
I don’t think I’ll make it to six with my GF. We got pregnant after 4 months of dating in Love but it couldn’t feel further from opposites now. pregnancy and parenthood showed me how shallow our foundation was and has made this all feel terrible.
I read this article because I needed a glimmer of hope today. Sick, pregnant and a mom of 3 (1, 2.5 and 4 years old). I’m tired. I hope after this next/last baby is born it’s all uphill from there.
Thank you! I often ask parents of older kids this question and what I get is “it never gets easier”. I think people forget how difficult it was… like are you seriously telling me that its not easy once they sleep through the night, once you don’t have to watch a toddler all day like a hawk so he/she doesn’t get hurt. That it doesnt get easier when you dont have to prepare a bag full of things to be able to wall out the door cause you have to go with a baby… come on!! I hate when I heat this from parents cause is just not true. It does get easier… I have a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old and I see the huge difference. Yes its still not easy with the older one but is definitely a lot easier than with the 1 year old.
I bet there will be emotional problems when they hit teenager years but I take that any day over sleepless nights and being sick every single week. I also feel that if you raise them well, the teenage years arent that bad. But this is just my opinion as I am not there yet
I agree…100%. Mom of four-year-old & one-year-old. It’s tough. But I see a light at the end of the baby/toddler tunnel.
I think those people don’t want to admit that it’s easier for them now. Or at least that it’s easier on their physical person and mental wellness. Parents of older children (usually) actually have time to take care of themselves. Parents of smaller kids usually don’t.
Great post about the Parenting hood. Taking care of kids is not the easy task and the way you explained your experience is just great.
I hope this will help to the peoples who have become parents recently.
Thank you so much for saying this! It is just what I needed to hear. Big love x
I regularly come back to read this. Mum of a 3.5 yo girl, who has less need for sleep than we do… it’s so exhausing. I can’t concentrate at work as well as before. One thing that I hate is the miscomprehesion from my coworkers (50 and so years, had children, all joy, authority apparently solves everything in their world). I just want the tiredness to be aknowledged while we wait for easier times. I wish I knew before. Thank you so much for this article ! It really helps, it’s soothing. Hanging in there 🙂
My twins just turned 3 and I almost didn’t make it out alive (literally, I had severe PPD). I don’t know if I’ll make it another three years. Clearly, since I googled “when does parenting get easier?” and I just had another oopsie baby back in August. I am angry at the fact that I didn’t die in my sleep when I wake up in the morning. But then again, I love being a mother just as much as I hate it. Never knew I could hate something and love something so completely, with all of me. Looking back, I would have sterilized myself had I known how hard this is though. I miss being alive. Having a life. Things to look forward to. First date in over a year is getting canceled due to expected snow on Valentine’s Day. Oh well, that relationship is pretty much dead. Like my soul. Happy motherhood!
Hey Ali,
I hope you are ok. My wife and I feel similar to what you describe and I often think to myself ‘ I would have sterilized myself had I known how hard this is though”. I mean Holy Shi7 were we fed a lie. Nobody said it would be this difficult. Granted we might have more difficult than most with a ADHD 4 yr boy and 3yr old boy on the spectrum. But I didn’t know I was signing up for a mental, spiritual and physical torture endurance test. How did I not know it was this hard? There needs to be a ‘Scared Straight’ program for having kids. I really hope it gets better at 6. Something to work towards.
I too have googled and landed here and I’m replying to your comment a year later in hopes that things are better now? I have one year old twins and a 3.5 year old and I am hopeless. I had my tubes tied after the twins so I won’t have another baby and I’m hoping we’re turning a corner soon. I also hope you’re okay. We deserve to be happy!!
I’ve never commented in a post like this, but your words struck a chord in me. I’ve suffered from severe anxiety and depression since I was a child. All the women in my very large family told me how beautiful and magical that first moment they put your child in your arms was… And I didn’t have that. She was so demanding, mentally and physically. Hardest strain on my marriage I’ve faced. I felt chained to her and resentful. The responsibility that came with her was terrifying. I tried breastfeeding and felt no such “magical” connection I’d heard about. I thought I was broken and monstrous. I’ve grown to adore my child, but I’ve also made an effort to shout to women across the world: It’s ok if you don’t love your kid right away!! It gets better. We don’t hear that often enough, and it needs to be normalized.
I am so sorry for your emotional struggles. Your comment about “waking up angry that you hadn’t died in the night” brought me to tears because I have felt that way so many times. All I can say is that I hear you, I understand, and I wish all the best.
Many thanks for this lovely read. Can’t wait for the magical age 🙂
Parenting has been so difficult with my 3 month old that I still can’t figure out why people purposely have more than one child. Can’t wait for that magical age.
Same here. My baby is 10 months though now, and it is much easier and so beautiful. But I wouldn’t go through the first months again, and don’t understand people who do. Anyway, one is more than enough, he’ll get all the attention 😀
Also, studies show that babies who don’t sleep well (or sleep less) tend to be smarter and more gifted. So don’t be jealous of your friends who say “oh my baby sleeps the whole night”. Soon, they will be jealous of your baby’s awesome character 🙂
“Studies show that babies who don’t sleep well (or sleep less) tend to be smarter and more gifted. ” Thats actually not true.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/01/smart-babies-sleep-poorly-debunked.html
Also babies need as much sleep they can get. If you’re baby isn’t sleeping well and you are doing everything–dont stress about it. Just go with the flow but give them as much opportunity to sleep.
I also needed this ! I have a 4 and 2 yr old . Feel like I’m constantly fixing , cleaning , calming feelings and boo boos all day long . One job gets halfway done and there is all the sudden 5 more messes or feelings or snack requests waiting …… I don’t want to wish away this time I have w them because I know there will come a day that they won’t want me around as much and friends and other things will one day be more important than Mom. But dang I can’t wait too lol
Thank You so much for this. I have a 9 year old and 2 year old and im constantly thinking to myself when does it get easier. Although my 9 year old is older she is so attached its like having two 2 year olds. I hardly have time to myself. No sleep, constantly on the go. I feel like a zombie. It will get easier one day but it just feels so far away right now. I would just kill for 8 hours of sleep or a spa day, lol
I so needed this. I’m a first time mom of a 3.5 month old (yes every .5 counts!) Was never sure I wanted kids due to the responsibility and time commitment needed to raise a child, plus I have major anxiety sometimes just about life in general, so never felt ready. Well here I am, and while I love my baby dearly I get through each day telling myself “some day she’ll walk and talk and eat on her own and life will be easier!” I hate it when people say certain things get easier but then new hard things pop up. Ugh! I like how you put it – logistically things get easier, and the logistics are exactly what’s stressing me out right now. Thank you for giving the rest of us hope!
Thank you so much for this. I have a just turned five year old, two and a half year old, and nine month baby. I’m getting so depressed when people say “Enjoy every moment! They grow so fast!” I know they do. I’m feeling this already. I feel like I had my oldest yesterday, and she’s about to start kindergarten. But when people say this to us moms going through early parenting, it makes us feel like the baby and toddler phases are as good as it gets. I need some rays of hope that it only gets better and better. I love my littles more than I knew possible, but I’m drained in every way. This post was exactly what my mama heart needed to keep me walking forward in the light rather than fear.
I know exactly what you’re saying!! Just yesterday my best friend said “enjoy ever second, they will soon grow up and you will wish they were still babies”. And she doesn’t even have kids! I said “actually, no I won’t, not one bit! People don’t understand that when they say this It means we are screwed, forever! No I won’t miss the sleepless days and nights and I sure won’t miss the tantrums and crying, I won’t miss the constant crying, the never ending-ness of it all! I have a 3.5 year old and a 4.5 months old and I can’t wait for both of them to be over 5… maybe, just maybe I will get some kind of life back!
I know this is an older article, but I can’t wait for my daughter just to be 1. She is 4 months and we just entered the dreaded sleep regression phase. Plus she was colic for the first 3.5 months of her life. The 2 weeks between colic and sleep regression were magical. Hopefully she will outgrow this by 5 months. Mommy needs a break. My husband works a lot so it’s just me mostly. Plus I have to go back to work soon, and I am actually very excited to get away for 8-10 hrs a day.
Oh, love. I’m on baby three, and my first and third were so colicky. Hang tight. Each of mine got better soon after four months. On the bright side, you know it’s going to get easier and easier for you (and your poor sweet baby) because you’ve both trudged through such darkness. Those early days are haaaard. Be gentle with yourself.
Thankyou. I’ve a very strong willed 3.5 year old boy and I’m a fulltime stay at home mum. He’s very attached to me so I never get a break, no never! I love him and try to remind myself daily to just go with it as it won’t be like this forever, BUT it is exhausting. I just want to be a little freer if that makes sense. Some days, like today, I feel anxious about having a whole day to find things for him to do and know there won’t be any break and wonder if and when he’ll have a meltdown over something.
With you on the same boat. I also have a 4.5 month old and get zero sleep. I love them both to death but god I want this whole era to be over!
Thank you SO MUCH for this. I hate the gate keeping that happens when I ask other parents this question. I have a 2 year and 10 month old (14 months apart). Everyone always says the above and I think “yeah yeah okay, but can you just dig deep and be honest?” This is exactly what I was looking for!
At which age, about, can one leave them home alone? Have a 3 year old and am desperately waiting for this moment
Legally? Depends on your state laws. I think its 12 but developmentally I think an 8 year old could handle themselves for maybe an hour or two
Thank you for this! I absolutely adore my little guy, and I personally feel like he is such an easy baby. My complaint is purely with the physical toll that parenting is taking on me: the bending, lifting, sleep deprivation, depletion from nursing, etc. I know that these are things that will not last forever, and there are many aspects that I do enjoy at this point (4 months) that I don’t want to forget. But I am looking forward to the physical parts lessening more and more as he gets older.
Thank you. Just, thank you.
Six!? I have a 20-month-old, I don’t know if I can handle another 4+ years!!! But I guess I have no choice. I’ve heard around 4 gets easier too since they can communicate their wants and needs better.
Mom of a 9 , 5, and 18 months. Yes the older they get many things get easier! Although there are moments things get emotionally difficult. With older kids you have time, energy, brain space to think about something more than sheer survival.
I needed this today 🙁
Just cleaned up two slimey vomits
I have a 3 and 1 year old and a dog who barks shrilly when you are tired
I get scared when parents of teenagers tell you it gets harder! What a cruel thing to say
According to this article I have another 4 years of hard, snotty, feet kicking me and shoes treading on my knuckles, lifting and pushing,feeling physically depleted from the physical labour and being whinged at
OMG! I know I’ve heard parents with teenagers say it’s harder and I want to cry when I hear that! I’m thinking it’s probably a mental “hard” whereas when they’re little it’s a physical and exhausted all the time “hard”.
I think they forget how bad the physical exhaustion is because it means you don’t even have the time and energy to take care of your own self. With teens I assume you feel less in control of them (because you are) and that’s rightfully scary for a lot of reasons. But hey at least you have time for a proper soak and shower basic grooming.
My good, I am so identifying with you and everything in this article.. they should not say that it is getting harder, I think they forgot to they had a lot of help back then. Sleepless nights, endless crying without knowing why, viruses and bacteria and never end… it can be really scary. I have a 5 and a 2 year old and constantly after them 24/24
As a dad of 3 (10,5,2) who spends a lot of time raising his boys along with a mom who works nights, this was cathartic. 5 isn’t quite independent and can occassionally revert to toddler-like behavior. 2 is a nightmare and needs CONSTANT attention and monitoring. Hang in there all!
Thank you so much. I really needed this today. I have a 4 year old, 2.5 year old, and an 18mo old. I feel like a poopy diaper, snack getting, toy picking up, snot wiping, tantrum calming conveyer belt and was wondering if it would ever let up. This honestly encouraged me.
Thank you! I needed to hear this right now!
I can’t wait for the 6 year mark, I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 11 month old and feel like everyday I’m barely surviving and scraping by… sometimes I feel like a caught helpless fly in a spiderweb with 3 hungry vicious spiders inching towards me at the same time. Glad to know it does get easier
Awesome sharing, It reminded me of the scenes I used to watch my sister bringing up her children. thanks for the post!
needed this today, I’ve got twin 2 and a half year olds and a 1 month old. 3 under 30 months.
Same! My twins will be 3 in October and I have a 4 month old baby.
I love this post
Thank you for the light at end of tunnel
Thank you -needed this. My kids are 3.5 and 9 months and I’m ‘deep in it’
Needed this today. Mom of 4 under 4.
you win
I needed to hear this today. Mom of a one year old.
I’m in the trenches with three kids ages 4, 2, and 4 months. I always suspected there may come a day when there is more freedom, but never heard it confirmed. Thank you! Now I have hope! 🙂
How are you doing now?
For me, the life changer was when I could leave them home alone, even for a little while. Going shopping alone was amazing. Nice article Annie. As always, you are spot on!