How to Win at Parenting

We all want to be more effective parents, but figuring out how to do that can be tricky. There are approximately 5,319 books on the subject and you can drive yourself mad trying to wade through all of the conflicting expertise and advice. Believe me, I’ve tried.

You know how sports announcers can talk for hours about a single sporting event? Breaking it down, analyzing it from every angle, comparing it to other games, delving into the psychology of it, etc.? Parenting is like that, only 110% worse. And while analysis can be fun and helpful, sometimes you need to just get back to the basics.

After years of reading about parenting, writing about parenting, talking about parenting, and actually parenting, I’ve collected some basic fundamentals that I think are key. These tips are universal—no matter how many kids you have or what ages they are, these eight C’s apply.

To “win” at parenting . . .

1) Think like a COACH. 

I recently sat down with Pete Carroll, father of three grown kids and head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, to chat about parenting. I asked him if he thought there was much of a difference between parenting and coaching. He said no—fundamentally, they’re the same thing. In both roles, you’re trying to help kids learn and develop and reach their full potential.

Think of the best coaches you’ve known. How would you describe them? Caring and committed? Tough but encouraging? Positive and motivating? Walking their talk? Those qualities are just as vital in parenting.

Great coaches try to maximize the potential of each player; great parents strive to maximize the potential of each of their kids. Great coaches create a positive vision for their team and constantly remind their players of that vision; great parents create a vision for their family and constantly bring it into focus. Great coaches help players work together as a team; great parents do the same with their families.

Thinking like a great coach can help remove some of the emotional obstacles we bump into parents and inspire us to focus on our ultimate goal—to help our kids be the best people they can be.

2) Focus on CHARACTER.

It can be tempting to think of parenting success in terms of good behavior. While good behavior is desirable, that isn’t our ultimate goal, is it? It’s entirely possible for a child to be well-behaved out of fear of external consequences without internalizing the character qualities that should underlie that behavior.

Behavior is what happens on the surface; character is what lies beneath it. Are our kids obedient out fear and coercion or out of  love and respect? Are they polite because they don’t want to be punished or because they have a true understanding of courtesy? By focusing on inner character, we can ensure that our kids internalize the reasons for being tactful, honest, courteous, patient, respectful, etc., so that those things truly come from the heart and will continue through adulthood. (For a great resource on teaching and reinforcing character qualities, see The Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov.)

3) Be CONSISTENT. 

Oh man. I know. This one’s a toughie. I am always looking for a better way to do things (see #8), so consistency is one place I struggle. But I once heard a child psychologist say that the #1 thing that kids need from their parents is consistency, and it stuck with me. It makes sense. Consistency breeds security, security breeds confidence, confidence breeds success. Again, think like a great coach; Seahawks coaches go to great lengths to be “uncommonly consistent.”

That doesn’t mean you can never change things up. But our expectations, our vision for our families (which we’ll explore in a later post), the way we respond to and interact with our kids—those things should be as consistent as possible. Our kids should know what they can expect of us and what we expect of them. Consistency is the cure to SO many parenting ills. It’s not easy for all of us, but it is totally worth the effort.

4) Keep your COMPOSURE.

I know. This is another toughie. Stay with me here. Kids can push us to ugly places, and staying cool, calm, and collected is sometimes a herculean feat.

But overall, we set the tone for our household. We’re the ones our kids look to for healthy emotional expression. I don’t say that to make anyone feel guilty (I raise my voice unconsciously far more often than I care to admit), but it’s the truth. We’re the adults. Flying off the handle and making kids feel shamed or scared is both ineffective in the long run and unpleasant in the short run.

I think it can be healthy for kids to see our anger or frustration occasionally. They need to know when they’ve really crossed a line. But even then, our response to them should be governed. Ideally, we should raise our voices consciously, for the most effective impact, not because we’ve lost control of ourselves. It helps to decide ahead of time how we want to respond to difficult situations. That takes discipline, and practice helps.

Composure is not an all-or-nothing proposition, of course. We aren’t robots, and occasionally emotions may get the better of us. If you do lose it, talk about it with your kids after everyone has calmed down. Show them how you are working on this personal goal, and show them how to handle a small setback. If they see you striving consistently, they’ll learn a lot by watching you try, even if you’re not successful 100% of the time.

5) COMMUNICATE—clearly and constantly.

As a writer and an introvert, I spend a lot of time in my own head. As a result, sometimes I think about something so much that I assume I’ve communicated it to my kids when I haven’t fully. (Kind of like how I answer people’s texts in my head but not in real life. That’s not just me, right?)

Think about those great coaches. Aren’t they constantly repeating encouraging phrases, mantras about sportsmanship, and lessons about the game? Effective parents convey love and lessons continually. Kids need clear and constant reminders—not just for logistical stuff like homework or hygiene, but for life stuff like choices and character. They need to constantly see and hear by our actions and words that they matter to us and that they are capable. They need to consistently see and hear what our family is about.

Part of effective communication is developing clarity and consistency. Language that is consistent and to the point is crucial. The Seahawks don’t like synonyms or alternate definitions. Kids do better, too, if our words are clear. Choose your words and phrasing consciously and then stick to it.

We also need to make sure our kids know they can talk to us and set up ways for them to feel comfortable doing so. Maybe one thrives on chatting while cuddling on the couch while another likes to talk while tossing a ball around. If you have a particularly reserved child, keeping a notebook that you write back and forth in can help them open up. I did that for one of my daughters, and it gave us a safe, private place to discuss things that might be uncomfortable to talk about face to face. Not everyone is verbally effusive, and that’s okay. As long as you’re communicating effectively, there’s no right or wrong way to do it.

6) Practice COMPASSION.

One night my daughter came to me in tears, sad about certain situation. My mama instinct, of course, was to try to help her fix what was wrong and remove her sadness. So I proceeded to gently explain how she could change the way she was looking at the situation, and tried to give her my perspective as a more experienced human. It was quite an inspiring little speech, I thought.

But I began to sense partway through my schpeel that she didn’t want me to fix her feelings. She was sad, and she needed a good cry. I remembered being her age and feeling that way sometimes. So I stopped trying to fix it, immediately. I apologized and explained my mama instinct to fix the booboo. I told her that there wasn’t anything wrong with how she was feeling. Then I sat and listened and told her that I sympathized with how she felt—and I left it at that. That was what she needed.

Being a kid isn’t always easy. Sometimes we forget that in our complex adult world. Try to tap into your childhood experiences and see what your kids are seeing through their eyes and feel what they’re feeling through their hearts. Empathize with them. Sometimes that’s enough to help them overcome a hurdle, and it definitely can help you understand their behavior better.

7) COMMISERATE with other parents.

I’ve learned two conflicting truths from my years blogging about parenting:

1) Most parents feel like other parents have it more together than they do.

2) Most of us are flying by the seat of our pants most of the time.

Talking honestly with other parents is the best way to realize that we’re not alone in our parenting struggles. We need to share our crazy stories and acknowledge openly that parenting is hard. It’s HARD. That doesn’t mean it’s bad or that you can’t do it, but it is hard. We need each other. The more support we have from other parents, the better.

I’ve gotten some of the best parenting tips and tricks by talking with friends about their experiences. There’s not a parenting book in the world that can replace a group of moms chatting over coffee. And let me tell you, nothing will make you feel better about your kid’s irrational fit over being the shortest person in the car like hearing about your friend’s kid’s irrational fit over their bananas being broken and not sliced. We’re all on this wild ride together.

8) COMPETE with yourself.

Other than for fun with friends, we should never ever compete with other parents—that’s a quick recipe for guilt and frustration. But we should always compete with ourselves to be a better parent than we were the day before. The key to being a good parent is striving to be one.

Make it your mission to always be moving toward the vision you have for your family. That movement might be big some days and small some days, but even a 1% improvement is a step forward. And a 1% improvement over 100 days is 100% improvement. (Sort of. I know there’s some funky math there, but you know what I mean.)

Of course, you may fall flat on your face some days. That happens to all of us—just pick yourself back up and keep on keepin’ on. Don’t let the struggles with sleep deprivation or your kids’ annoying habits or housekeeping or the overwhelming weight of parenthood make you feel like a failure.

As Coach Carroll says, “If you want to win forever, always compete.” If you’re competing with yourself—striving each day to be the best parent you can be—you’re already winning.

 

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