Letting Childhood Linger

Letting Childhood Linger in a World that Rushes Adulthood

My 11-year-old daughter plops down next to me on the couch, curling her legs up into a ball. She says nothing, but her furrowed brow makes it clear something is bothering her. “What the matter?” I ask, praying it’s not something horrible. (I always pray it’s not something horrible.)

She takes a deep breath as her eyes fill with tears. “Everything is changing,” she says. “Everybody’s growing up . . . and I’m not ready yet.

Oh, sweet baby girl. I remember having this same conversation with her older sister at this age. My girls have deeply cherished their childhoods. They lament when they feel time accelerating, their bodies transforming, their friends moving away from imaginary games and shared childhood fantasies. As galloping gives way to girl talk, make-believe morphs into make-up, and pirates and princesses get replaced with periods and pimples, they mourn.

And as much as I dislike seeing my children unhappy, I’m glad. I’d much rather they hold onto childhood than hurry into adolescence or adulthood. They will have the rest of their lives to be grown-ups—I see no reason to rush any of it.

But my daughters’ reluctance to grow up feels like a stark contrast with the dominant culture, where children are pushed by the media, their peers, and sometimes even their parents, to grow up faster than they should. The quintessential hallmarks of childhood–play, imagination, innocence—are fleeting in a society simultaneously obsessed with reality TV smut and academic achievement. Clothes, games, and media are marketed to tweens with an eye to making them into mini-adult consumers. Television programming purportedly aimed at teens is more often consumed by tween-and-younger audiences. Parents do things like take their 7-year-olds to see Deadpool, either oblivious to the R-rating or assuming their child can “handle” the gory violence, profanity, and sexuality.

It’s not just the trickle down of adult media and pop culture that concerns me. For years, I’ve been surprised by how few school-aged children we see in parks or forest preserves during non-school hours. Most of the time, the only people we run into at such places are parents with babies and toddlers. Where are the big kids?

It’s no secret that we live in an era of scheduled activities and increasingly competitive everything. While organized sports can be highly beneficial, they also consume a lot of a child’s extracurricular time. Add heaps of homework at earlier and earlier ages, plus the lure of screen time, plus parental fears of sending children to explore outside (either because of the fear of child molesters or nosy neighbors who will call CPS), and we’re left with kids who are missing out on the educational and emotional benefits of free, active, imaginative play.

To be clear, I’m not saying that kids shouldn’t have any cares or responsibilities. I’m a big fan of chores, reasonably high expectations, and community involvement, and I think those aspects of maturity are healthy for kids to get familiar with early and often. It’s the over-scheduling and the “Rated M for Mature” world that I think kids deserve to be shielded from. The taking away of recess and art class to make time for test prep. The thong underwear made for tweens. The social media world that encourages social ranking and cyberbullying.

Being a parent in the age of non-stop media is tough. Marketers know what they’re doing. But unless parents take an active role in limiting exposure to and mitigating the effects of advertising and popular culture, our kids will internalize the idea that childhood ends somewhere around age 8. That’s not something I’m willing to accept.

We can’t protect our kids from everything, but we can do our best to protect childhood. It may seem paradoxical, but my theory is that giving kids the time, space, and shelter to be children as long as they need to actually helps them mature more quickly when the time comes. Just as a butterfly stays cocooned in its chrysalis until it’s wings are fully developed, living a full childhood begets a healthy adulthood. I see it happening now with my older daughter. I’m amazed at how much she’s changed and matured since those days of lamenting about growing up. Now, at 15, she talks about how glad she is to have lived a full childhood and relished her childlike innocence while she could. That feels good to her. And it feels right to me.

So I put my arm around my middle child and wipe away her tears. “You are going to grow up,” I tell her. “Everyone does. But you don’t have to let go of being a kid just yet. You’ll eventually move on from the things you like to do now. But there’s no rush. Take your time and enjoy your childhood while it lasts.”

She smiles and nods, gives me a long, fierce hug, then gallops off to play.

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Annie writes about motherhood and other hilariously beautiful things. On good days, she enjoys juggling life with her husband and three children. On bad days, she binges on chocolate chips and dreams of traveling the world alone.

Comments 8

  1. Jane Allen

    I absolutely agree. Let the kids be kids; let them relish their childhood. You get to be a kid just once in life. But, parents would have none of that. They want to live their lives through their children. And, that causes a whole lot of mess. Kids who’re not prepared for adulthood but suddenly find themselves wearing those shoes.

    I once read an interview by Dr. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child, talking about the effects of hurrying children through childhood. Here’s the link, if you care to check it:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/the-effects-of-hurrying-children-through-childhood_b_3824197.html
    Jane Allen recently posted…What is the Best Recliner for Newborn?My Profile

  2. Cami

    My daughter is 10, and she tells me all the time she doesn’t want to grow up. I am so thankful. I’m letting her hold on as long as she can to childhood. I grew up too fast and wish I could have enjoyed a longer childhood and time of innocence. I have a friend whose daughter played dolls until she was 13, and I thought it was odd at the time. But now, I can see the beauty in it. They have plenty of time to grow up!

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  3. Lora

    I loved this post! My daughter turns 13 soon and, to be honest, she is not really that excited about it. On one hand I don’t completely understand that because I could hardly wait to be a teenager when I was her age …but on the other hand I am so happy that she has enjoyed childhood so much and doesn’t want it to end too soon. I see so many girls her age–or younger–who are growing up way too fast. It’s what our world pushes and I hate it. Children aren’t children very long in this day and age so I am thankful and happy to be able to preserve my kiddos’ childhood a little longer than usual these days.

  4. Kaitlyn Mason

    This is really beautiful. Thank you for writing this down and for sharing. I am one of those Moms with a baby and toddler at the parks, but I really want to continue that lifestyle as our kids grow up. Our kids love being outside, and running through the clothesline “tunnels” is one of my daughter’s favorite things to do. I definitely want to make things fun like that for her as long as we can. :) Again, thank you for your beautiful writing.

  5. Adina @ Royal Blessings

    I really love this. Oh, everything you said is soo right. My oldest is 9 and seems to be growing way too fast. Im not ready for her to grow up. I want her to enjoy her childhood as long as possible :) . Thanks for this post.

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